Vigil for the Living

How do you mourn someone who’s not dead?

I guess I grieve for the idea I had of you in my head.

There are experiences I never had,

All the emotions that are bad,

That come with growing up without a Dad.

For this, It’s easier to feign sadness,

Remember to push away my gladness,

Awakened at night by this heavy madness.

You know, it is easier to mourn,

Then to acknowledge the truth,

I spent most of my time alone in my youth.

Alone even when I, in my mind, visit your tombstone,

There I am sure to remind myself,

That all men in my life are on temporary loan.

Somedays, my smile is fake.

I put it on for appearance's sake,

But down deep my self-worth is at a low,

As I sit back and feel my self-hatred swallow me whole.

So, lay you to rest, who is not dead.

I'll carry your memory around, heavy like lead.